 |
| during a contraction at home |
My labor and birth plan with Liam did not go the way I'd exactly expected it to. There were medical interventions. It took a long time. I was exhausted. But I never felt like a failure (not completely) and I never felt alone.
I remember making the decision to have a natural birth. Now I think all birth is natural, but I'm talking particularly about a birth without any pain medication. Yep, totally un-numb and feeling it all! When I started telling my friends and family about my choice I got a mixed response. Some told me that I was a total badass and they were amazed at how brave I was. Others...well let's just say they smiled politely and told me "just wait until the pain comes, you'll change your mind!" I never intended to make some grand statement or to show anyone up with my brave endeavor. I had just done my research, and after having a bad experience with a nurse at my doctors office, I made the switch to the local birth center. With every visit (which was generally 1 hour long) I felt more and more confident that I made the right choice. I never doubted it and still feel the same way even after having Liam.
Now if you've had a baby you know that your plans go straight out the window when they decide to make their grand debut. You are not in control. Your body will take over and you can either fight it or you can submit and welcome it. Looking back I totally see childbirth as a team effort. You and your baby are working
together. Motherhood starts now! The minute those contractions start it's like your baby is saying "okay, Mom...I really need you to guide me". And you'll be doing that for what seems like the rest of their lives. You
will be there, you
will guide them, you
will take the pain, you
will keep them safe, you
will love them, you
will support them. It's
your job. The thing is, when I go over my labor with Liam, I don't remember feeling any pain. Choosing a birth team, my birth family, gave me so much more than the typical over dramatized "you did this to me" birth experience most of us have grown up watching on TV. I was surrounded by love, support, and people who believed in me. I felt calm. I felt well taken care of. I was the one who knew what to do, even if I didn't really understand this idea just yet. This is what I remember:
 |
| middle of a contraction. some lasting up to 3 minutes |
I remember my husband David, who never left my side, who got in the tub with me, who held me up while I leaned all my weight on him during a contraction. I remember his love, I remember his presence, and I remember him catching Liam as he was born.
I remember our doula Tammy and how she guided me into different positions. How she made sure I was eating and drinking. How she took care of David and gave him a chance to rest and eat. She coached me through pushing. She was our guide through uncharted territory. How very grateful I am to have had her.
I remember our midwife Mary. I remember her words of encouragement. I remember how she would swoop in during a contraction and listen to Liam's heart, finishing up by saying "good baby". I remember how she was my greatest advocate when we transferred to the hospital and I was being pressured to have all sorts of medical interventions all at once. She stepped forward and and protected me. She was my voice when I felt so uncertain. I remember in my moment of feeling most defeated she stepped up and said "Christine, this isn't over. You are still doing this"...and I remember her kissing my forehead as I held Liam moments after he was born.
Most of all, I remember my Mother. I remember how much I wanted her there in case I needed her. I know it was a little out of her comfort zone, but now being a parent myself, I understand her more than ever. In the middle of the night, when I started to feel scared...I remember asking for her, even as I was in the process of becoming a mother myself, I still wanted
my Mommy. She was there, she stood by my bed and stroked my hair. She was the voice that spoke up when the doctor said they would like to do an assisted delivery with forceps...she was the one who asked if David could still catch our baby. She was there for me, and I will never forget the comfort and joy of having my Mother with me during one of the most powerful moments of my entire life.
 |
| holding Liam for the first time |
I grew up being frightened of childbirth. I couldn't wait to get all the meds and just get it over with. It wasn't until I looked deeper into what it meant to welcome birth. To embrace everything you will feel. And to feel like the most amazing superhero that ever lived afterwards. When Liam arrived I remember David coming up to me and saying "today I saw you as a goddess, there is no other woman I would ever want to be with" Birth is
powerful. No matter what birth plan you have, what choices you will make, remember that...birth is powerful and
so are you.
Like I said before, my birth with Liam wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I needed the epidural. I needed pitocin. I needed an assisted delivery. But not because I couldn't do it. I was never rescued. I did it all. I had my tribe. My birth family who stood by me and believed in me. They knew I would and could make the best decision. And I did. And when the time comes to bring another tiny human into this world, I will choose my team. I will stay home (if baby lets me). I will welcome the contractions as they come, because they will come from me, and I am one empowered mama.
