miscarriage

Six weeks ago I had a miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant very early and was just about 5 1/2 weeks along when I realized something was wrong. I was told the bleeding could just be the pregnancy settling in, but I had a gut feeling that it was my body letting go of a baby that would never be. As the days went on, and it became overwhelmingly clear that this pregnancy was ending, the only comfort I found was in knowing that my body was doing the right thing for me. The truth is that my pregnancy probably started to unravel almost as soon as it was conceived.

I know that this is very personal, and that maybe it seems strange that I would be sharing it over the internet. But believe me, I have a good reason for deciding to share. Throughout the miscarriage, the one thought that kept running through my mind over and over was

Why don't people talk about this? Why do I feel so alone?

Let me just say that I am not looking for sympathy or attention. I had support. Friends that knew, family that listened while I cried, and my amazing midwife who talked me through all of the many emotions I was experiencing. This pregnancy had barely begun before it ended...and I couldn't help but think of all the women out there who were, and have, and are currently experiencing a miscarriage at any stage of their pregnancy. I applaud the mothers who are brave enough to share their stories, and respect the mothers that choose to heal on their own. I understand that talking about painful things isn't easy, and while for some it can be liberating, others only find themselves re-living a unfortunate time in their journey into motherhood.

So here I am, trying to put myself back together, searching for strength within myself because I know it's there. I know my body is looking out for me, and I am grateful for that security. At the same time I can't stop myself from wondering why...and just wishing it never happened. Maybe if I hadn't taken that pregnancy test so early I would have missed the miscarriage all together and simply blamed it on a late period. 

I remember my midwife saying to me, "we like to think that we are in control of our bodies, but we are only our analytical mind...this, what is happening to you, this IS you..." 

It's true that I was able to connect and find a deeper understanding of how amazing my body was during my pregnancy with Liam. How it knows what to do, it knows how to build a life and to bring it into the world...and it also knows when something isn't right...and I guess the best thing I can do is to trust that process. That has been a huge factor that has guided me through this experience.

I need to love my family, love my friends, love all of my supporters. I need to keep moving forward. There is no other direction.

I guess I just wanted to say to anyone who has or will be faced with the loss of a pregnancy...that you are not alone. That this happens...a lot, actually. We shouldn't have to feel alone. I don't want you to feel alone. I really want to move forward, and I believe that writing this out, telling others how I'm feeling, maybe even people who don't know me...helps. It helps because in order to move on I really need to let go. Surrender. Not give up.

I'm not giving up.