The other day I let my 18 month old scream and cry (safely strapped into his baby chair) while I took a shower...he had books, he had his choo-choo train, he had his sesame street cell phone, all of which he really couldn't care less about having at the time. He was just pissed to be in that dumb, now slightly too small, chair. Meanwhile I just ignored it...I washed my hair making sure to peek out just to make sure he wasn't strangling himself or something awful and over dramatic like that. I did not rush, I did not worry...I knew he was perfectly fine. For me, letting him scream and holler was fine in this particular situation. He is getting to the age where tantrums are gonna happen and I have to learn that he's gonna get super pissy and that's all there is to it. If I could I would have let him stay in the living room to play, but lately he's been climbing on top of the coffee table and...no, just no. Anyway, as soon as I got out he stopped crying. As soon as I un-buckled him from his chair of doom he started babbling to me about his choo-choo (that I can only assume he forgot about totally tossing across the bathroom during his breakdown). He was fine, and he walked off as if nothing had happened.
From the moment they are born babies know how to cry. I remember thinking about 5 days into parenting, "why don't they laugh instead of cry?? Why does it have to be crying?!"...I guess it would be really creepy if every time my son was upset he just laughed about it. Yeah, crying makes sense. Our parental instinct tells us that a crying baby is a baby in distress and that means that baby needs help. This can be a very stressful time and as much as you might have read about how to be the best most excellent parent in the world, not to mention with the happiest most almost never cryiest baby ever, the truth is...books weren't written about your baby. You get the awesome task of figuring it out on your own, and it's not easy, and a lot of things you thought would work just don't. Many books, and other parents (with the best intentions) for that matter, really try their best to explain the best ways to deal with these stress filled cry fests that happen about every 20 minutes. A dirty diaper, hunger, gas, sleepy but won't sleep, or just plain pissed off because they aren't in the womb anymore can all be viable reasons for baby fussy pants syndrome. The fact is, crying is how they communicate. But how should we respond to what they are trying to tell us?
Personally I don't fully agree with the CIO method. I am more on the side of an attachment parent and I believe that when you hear the cry of "I need you, Mommy"...you answer their cry. That being said, I also believe that their personal cry changes as they grow from teeny babies to toddlers. I can tell the difference between Liam's "help, I need you!" cry and his "boo- I'm grumpy pants"cry he usually makes when he can no longer stack his blocks. When Liam bumps his head, I don't immediately swoop him up. When he doesn't get the toy he wants, I don't try to reason with him, I just explain that we aren't playing with it right now and move on. Our method for parenting Liam is constantly evolving to fit his needs and what he can handle. I think Liam is an incredibly resilient child and is able to cope with many undesirable situations. I also know he is fully capable of having a complete meltdown when the moment calls for one. Let me be clear when I say I don't think there is anything wrong with the way people decide to parent their children. Like I said, we as parents are able to decipher the differences in their cries and know when they really need us, and when they just want whatever it is they want. There are days and nights where I am very hands off, I want Liam to experience what is happening, but I also want him to know that I am there and he is not alone.
Do I think I scarred him for letting him scream in the bathroom? No. Does that mean I would let him scream and cry from his crib for 1 hour in hopes he will eventually just give up and go to bed? No. (Although we have officially started our serious sleep training which I will talk about in another post!) Does this mean I think you should do what I am doing? Absolutely not. I have my own boundaries, and I have given Liam boundaries. I know Liam trusts me and I know he understands that I will be there for him. It's okay for me to say no. I don't do these things to be mean. Everything I do for him is because I love him. I think the best thing I can do for my son is go with my gut instincts. It won't be the easiest path but it will feel right.
