Henry's Birth: My Home Birth Experience

On September 10th 2016 David and I welcomed our sweet baby Henry into this world. I had planned a natural (med free) birth at the Madison Birth Center for Liam but had to be transferred to the hospital due to decelerations in his heartbeat. Well an epidural, pitocin, and and some forceps later, Liam was born (finally!) I felt pretty good about my laboring experience with Liam. I never felt like I was in terrible pain and more importantly I felt safe and guided by my wonderful doula and midwife the entire time. It wasn't until I became pregnant with Henry that I realized I had a lot of feelings that hadn't been addressed. Did I fail? Can my body go through natural childbirth? Was I crazy for wanting to do this again, but this time at home?? Well, I'd like to share my second labor and birth with you. Because I am not a super mom, I'm just a regular mom who decided she'd try something again. I didn't take any special classes (besides our home birth class), or hypnobirthing, or really much prep of any kind. And when I realized Henry was on his way...I was genuinely freaked out. Still, he came. He was born at home. He was surrounded by the best people and it was absolutely amazing. 

**I will warn you, there are photos, and you may even see a bit of my boob *gasp!* don't worry...it's all natural ;)**

Your brother taught me how to love you

Dear baby,

On Tuesday we had our 20 week ultrasound and got to see you for the very first time. I saw you wiggling around. Moving your hands towards your little face. I saw your heart beating. And I was overjoyed. I was experiencing feelings for you that day that I had never really felt for your big brother when we went in for his ultrasound. That doesn't seem to make sense, does it? Well, that night while laying in bed, completely in love with the day, I thought about how Liam is the one who taught me how to feel this way...how to feel so much love for you already. When I was pregnant with Liam, I didn't know what the love that is born out of becoming a mother really was. I didn't know how to love Liam. I didn't know how to feel about him at all really. Getting to know Liam, to become his mother, to learn how to take care of him and keep him safe has made me a better mother for you already.

Little baby, still kicking around in my tummy, I know you are the second child, and that may seem like it means it's not such a big deal because we've done this all before. But I disagree. The joy of growing you inside of me, feeling you kick, seeing your face and hands and heartbeat...I already have the love for you that I actually had to slowly grow into what it is today for your big brother. Liam's gift to you is the gift of my unconditional and overwhelmingly fierce adoration for you already.

Liam taught me how to love you and love you both so much. I can't wait to meet you in September.

♥ Hello Baby! || Pregnancy Announcement ♥

Yep! You read the blog title correctly...we are having another baby! I don't even know where to start when writing this post, there are just so many things I want to talk about. I guess I'll start by saying that I'm just about to be 16 weeks on Monday and so far this pregnancy has been incredibly different from growing Liam!

Natural Childbirth - Why I'd choose it again.

during a contraction at home

My labor and birth plan with Liam did not go the way I'd exactly expected it to. There were medical interventions. It took a long time. I was exhausted. But I never felt like a failure (not completely) and I never felt alone.

I remember making the decision to have a natural birth. Now I think all birth is natural, but I'm talking particularly about a birth without any pain medication. Yep, totally un-numb and feeling it all! When I started telling my friends and family about my choice I got a mixed response. Some told me that I was a total badass and they were amazed at how brave I was. Others...well let's just say they smiled politely and told me "just wait until the pain comes, you'll change your mind!" I never intended to make some grand statement or to show anyone up with my brave endeavor. I had just done my research, and after having a bad experience with a nurse at my doctors office, I made the switch to the local birth center. With every visit (which was generally 1 hour long) I felt more and more confident that I made the right choice. I never doubted it and still feel the same way even after having Liam.

Now if you've had a baby you know that your plans go straight out the window when they decide to make their grand debut. You are not in control. Your body will take over and you can either fight it or you can submit and welcome it. Looking back I totally see childbirth as a team effort. You and your baby are working together. Motherhood starts now! The minute those contractions start it's like your baby is saying "okay, Mom...I really need you to guide me". And you'll be doing that for what seems like the rest of their lives. You will be there, you will guide them, you will take the pain, you will keep them safe, you will love them, you will support them. It's your job. The thing is, when I go over my labor with Liam, I don't remember feeling any pain. Choosing a birth team, my birth family, gave me so much more than the typical over dramatized "you did this to me" birth experience most of us have grown up watching on TV. I was surrounded by love, support, and people who believed in me. I felt calm. I felt well taken care of. I was the one who knew what to do, even if I didn't really understand this idea just yet. This is what I remember:

middle of a contraction. some lasting up to 3 minutes

I remember my husband David, who never left my side, who got in the tub with me, who held me up while I leaned all my weight on him during a contraction. I remember his love, I remember his presence, and I remember him catching Liam as he was born.

I remember our doula Tammy and how she guided me into different positions. How she made sure I was eating and drinking. How she took care of David and gave him a chance to rest and eat. She coached me through pushing. She was our guide through uncharted territory. How very grateful I am to have had her.

I remember our midwife Mary. I remember her words of encouragement. I remember how she would swoop in during a contraction and listen to Liam's heart, finishing up by saying "good baby". I remember how she was my greatest advocate when we transferred to the hospital and I was being pressured to have all sorts of medical interventions all at once. She stepped forward and and protected me. She was my voice when I felt so uncertain. I remember in my moment of feeling most defeated she stepped up and said "Christine, this isn't over. You are still doing this"...and I remember her kissing my forehead as I held Liam moments after he was born.

Most of all, I remember my Mother. I remember how much I wanted her there in case I needed her. I know it was a little out of her comfort zone, but now being a parent myself, I understand her more than ever. In the middle of the night, when I started to feel scared...I remember asking for her, even as I was in the process of becoming a mother myself, I still wanted my Mommy. She was there, she stood by my bed and stroked my hair. She was the voice that spoke up when the doctor said they would like to do an assisted delivery with forceps...she was the one who asked if David could still catch our baby. She was there for me, and I will never forget the comfort and joy of having my Mother with me during one of the most powerful moments of my entire life.

holding Liam for the first time

I grew up being frightened of childbirth. I couldn't wait to get all the meds and just get it over with. It wasn't until I looked deeper into what it meant to welcome birth. To embrace everything you will feel. And to feel like the most amazing superhero that ever lived afterwards. When Liam arrived I remember David coming up to me and saying "today I saw you as a goddess, there is no other woman I would ever want to be with" Birth is powerful. No matter what birth plan you have, what choices you will make, remember that...birth is powerful and so are you.

Like I said before, my birth with Liam wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I needed the epidural. I needed pitocin. I needed an assisted delivery. But not because I couldn't do it. I was never rescued. I did it all. I had my tribe. My birth family who stood by me and believed in me. They knew I would and could make the best decision. And I did. And when the time comes to bring another tiny human into this world, I will choose my team. I will stay home (if baby lets me). I will welcome the contractions as they come, because they will come from me, and I am one empowered mama.

Guilt free (pre) preschool

Four months ago Liam started school. Okay, maybe it's not what you'd typically imagine school to be, it's more like an education based play group with teachers. He was all about it! Me...not so much, at least at first. 

living in the present

I can't believe it's already November 10th! I swear I start every new blog post with "I can't believe" because it's always been so long since I last updated haha. Time is constantly flying by. Halloween was a blast this year even if I almost lost my mind making Liam's spider costume. Fall took some time making up it's mind on whether it really wanted to commit to arriving yet, but after a few chilly days in a row, I think the transition has happened. I'm not complaining about how nice it's been outside during the day, but the nights do get quite cold.

It's always nice to look through a group of photos as one (like the collage above) and see just how much has been going on, even when it feels like nothing is happening. Photos of Panda enjoying the sun in the backyard, going bowling with Liam, trick or treating, taking a morning walk to coffee, Liam trying his best to wait patiently for his parents to crawl out of bed on a Sunday morning...or just David and I taking a good ol' fashioned selfie together. ♥ It's easy to overlook what is happening in the present and only see how sweet those moments were when you look back at the photos haphazardly taken throughout a busy day.

Living in the present is almost an art form. Something that needs to be practiced. I know that personally I can become so entrapped in what I'm not doing, or not getting done, that I completely ignore the small accomplishments that are happening all around me. Life is a long, long staircase which happens one step at a time. Most days I find myself focusing only on the very top of the staircase landing, when what I should be doing is taking a closer look at the steps I have taken that get myself where I am today. That's the problem with living in a world that is so dominantly portrayed through social media. We don't see the stairs, just the top of the staircase. We don't see how hard it was to climb up, we just see the end results. When I share these photos, it's easy to only see how happy we are, or how cute Liam is, but you don't see the arguments, the tears, the doubt. You don't see the struggles. You don't see the hugs that happen, not because we are happy, but because we need to be comforted so that we can feel happy.

That's not to say that we don't have those amazing moments. The genuine laughs. The hugs and kisses. The romantic gestures, and quiet nights. But it takes reminding. It takes constant work to glance back at where we are, and how lucky we are, and to smile at how great life is, even when it's hard.

So here's to living in the present. In taking the time to feel good about where you are at...right now.  Here's to recognizing how far you have come, and the great things that will be happening in your future. Because even if you can't see them, I know that those moments are there. I believe that they are.

What are some things I'm excited about now? The little things that I can make into really big things?

Well, I'm excited that I just started with my 3rd Invisalign tray! I'm excited that next weekend we are taking a big step in our home renovation and knocking through a wall. I'm excited for the trips we are going to be taking in the near future. I'm excited about seeing David when he gets home from work. It's a good feeling, to be excited, to choose to be happy. ♥ Sending lots of love out to all of you!

Invisalign : 1st vlog update!

Hey guys! So I finally went ahead and got Invisalign! So far it's been kinda up and down. I was lucky enough to never really need braces as a child and my teeth have always been relatively straight, or have appeared to be pretty straight my whole life. With that being said, I do have some crooked teeth that have bothered me for a long time. I've been considering correcting my teeth for the past 5 years and this year I decided to make it happen! The way I see it, why not? I can have the super straight teeth I've always wanted by the time I'm 32. I don't want to wait until I'm 40 and wish I had done it a decade ago. Since the process of straightening teeth is a visual one, I thought this would be the perfect time to start adding a few video blog entries, or "vlogs", as the inter web  calls them. Here is my first go at it! I'm already feeling pretty self conscious about posting this because you see me talk, and move, and this is far more "real life" me than any photo I've posted thus far. Hopefully you like it! I even decided to get super real with you guys and show you what I look like at 6 A.M. (spoiler alert...it isn't pleasant! sorry to scare you. Happy Halloween?? lol) Okay so without any more babbling...here's my first video!!
**I just want to say that I don't know what any of the proper names for my teeth are, so if "bottom canine" is wrong...oops! I dunno **